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II. Okay then

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 Today I had depression since I opened my eyes. So I slept. Two more hours, them three. See, time doesn't really matter when you're on the low side of things.  I found out executive anxiety isn't a thing. It's just a label that I put on my extreme feelings of discomfort and anxiety that I face whenever... well, whenever I try to execute anything. When I try to compose an e-mail, pay the bill, ask for feedback, or things of such nature. Too bad I am job hunting now. There is close to zero toleration to just "not being able" to do it. I don't list it anywhere, of course, I am this high-achieving person with perfect communication skills. Just like everyone else.  Well, at least I am learning SEO so I'll be able to list my writing a little higher soon, hopefully. 
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I. It's inappropriate for you to fall in love

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 I wanted someone who would move me in their house and love me and take care of me and make me feel secure that I will never end up abandoned again. Well, that’s not you.   I wanted to save myself on my own but do I have the means? It was so much easier back then. It’s so much easier when people want nothing in return. I couldn’t stop obsessing. Where’s that DBT* work? I know I’m better, but does being “better” look like this? Is this a fucking joke? How am I required to keep going? How? What means do people have to carry on, to get up each time, to fall in love and fall on their face and then repeat. I just don’t want feelings. Everything is too perfect and then it’s sucked into a void. My fragile personality and fear of abandonment always make me oh so lovable just for people to realize they don’t want to, in fact they don’t have to, handle my bullshit. I drink and that makes me sick. I swim in and out of depression, into obsessive episodes, throughout the fog, heightened p
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