I. It's inappropriate for you to fall in love

 I wanted someone who would move me in their house and love me and take care of me and make me feel secure that I will never end up abandoned again. Well, that’s not you.

 

I wanted to save myself on my own but do I have the means? It was so much easier back then. It’s so much easier when people want nothing in return.

I couldn’t stop obsessing. Where’s that DBT* work? I know I’m better, but does being “better” look like this? Is this a fucking joke? How am I required to keep going? How?

What means do people have to carry on, to get up each time, to fall in love and fall on their face and then repeat. I just don’t want feelings.

Everything is too perfect and then it’s sucked into a void. My fragile personality and fear of abandonment always make me oh so lovable just for people to realize they don’t want to, in fact they don’t have to, handle my bullshit.

I drink and that makes me sick. I swim in and out of depression, into obsessive episodes, throughout the fog, heightened perception, pure sadness.

I think obsessing has really been the worst. Three minutes snaps of the life I could have had… if only…

Sometimes, you’re imperfect, but sometimes, you’re too much-

You end up walking the streets alone, asking your ex to give you one evening of his time. He’s not committed, he’s done better. And you can be friends and he cares oh so much.

I spend forever trying to get out of my head, then cultivating a peaceful place there, then running away.

Waiting for someone to fix it isn’t gonna fix it.

Returning back to Prague and dealing with my bullshit – lowering back to the low, grieving again and grieving anew, learning to live without and then realizing I’m not living.

Am I a danger to myself? I am, anywhere. Danger to my tendency of building castles in the air.

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* dialectical-behavioral therapy .)