How do I lower the difficulty settings on life?

 I wanted someone who would move me in their house and love me and take care of me and make me feel secure that I will never end up abandoned again. Well, that’s not you.   I wanted to save myself on my own but do I have the means? It was so much easier back then. It’s so much easier when people want nothing in return. I couldn’t stop obsessing. Where’s that DBT* work? I know I’m better, but does being “better” look like this? Is this a fucking joke? How am I required to keep going? How? What means do people have to carry on, to get up each time, to fall in love and fall on their face and then repeat. I just don’t want feelings. Everything is too perfect and then it’s sucked into a void. My fragile personality and fear of abandonment always make me oh so lovable just for people to realize they don’t want to, in fact they don’t have to, handle my bullshit. I drink and that makes me sick. I swim in and out of depression, into obsessive episodes, throughout the fog, heightened p